Matthew 18:15 conflict in relationships

Christianity is not a religion, but a relationship, and there is wisdom in these words. The Gospel reading in Matthew (18:15-20) is concerned about relationships, and in particularly our relationships with each other. At the heart of our faith is our belief that the one who created us, and all that is, wants to have a real, life-giving, loving relationship with us.

When Jesus was asked which was the most important commandment in the law he answered and said: “It is to love the Lord our God with all our being and to love our neighbour as our self.” The Ten Commandments were initially written by God onto two stone tablets. The first tablet was about our relationship God and the second tablet was about our relationship with each other. This tells us that both relationships are important to God.

Let us think about, our Relationship with God

The most important of our relationships is without a doubt our relationship with God. We were created by God, and we were created to be in relationship with Him. If our relationship with God is not healthy, then all our other relationships will suffer.

God had a plan to restore and reconcile this primary relationship that was lost during the fall of man. That is why he sent Jesus into the world. Jesus came to reconcile us to his heavenly Father. He came to earth to restore that vital broken relationship. Because sin had damaged that relationship. Our original inherited sin, was ushered into the world through Adam and Eve’s disobedience, but we all have kept sin in the world through the sin of every subsequent generation. Rather than give up on that broken relationship, God set about to restore it. God’s only Son was sent, to take our sins to the cross and to restore our relationship with our heavenly Father.

It is a gift that we call grace. But a relationship takes two. Grace describes God’s action, and reminds us that it is a free gift. But faith also describes our response. In other words, faith describes our part in that relationship. We receive God’s gift in faith, trusting God’s promise to us. By grace we have been saved through faith. But what does it mean to be saved? First and foremost, it means to have our relationship with our Creator, reconciled and restored.

Our Relationship with Each Other

Jesus called disciples not just to follow him, but to gather together, to become a community, and to form a congregation that we call church. As such, it is very important that his followers stay connected, that they become a community of believers. A community that cares for one another, and prays for one another, and shares their gifts with one another, and with the world around them, a community that grows in faith and discipleship with one another.

This is so important to Jesus that he made an amazing promise in today’s Gospel Reading: he tells us that: “Wherever two or three are gathered in my name, he said, I am among them.”

So, today we are gathered together – to be his congregation, his church, and to celebrate his presence among us. And churches around the world are doing just that. But, unfortunately, many churches around in the world are doing something else, too. They are arguing and disagreeing with each other. And church members are not all getting along with one another; and are even hurting one another through their words and actions.

This is not just happening in churches, of course. It is happening in schools and workplaces, and even in families, too. But it is particularly painful when it happens in churches, the last place where we would expect it. However, Jesus knew that this would happen to his church. Church, after all, is a community of sinners. And that is why he offers a wonderful teaching in today’s Gospel reading. He offers advice to all who are in a difficult relationship. And that advice is the heart of today’s gospel reading.

Jesus tells us that if another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. This is the first step to dealing with conflict in the church, or anywhere for that matter. And it is as simple and as complicated as it sounds. When someone sins against you, go and talk to them, one-on-one. Don’t ignore the disagreement. Don’t expect someone else to deal with it. Don’t hope that it will just go away. Don’t get angry at someone else. Don’t internalize it. Don’t do all those things that you and I are so tempted to do, because at the time they seem easier than dealing with the disagreement head on. Instead, go and talk with the person, one-on-one. Tell them of your hurt. Share with them what you are feeling.

Take a chance and open up with the person. But do it when the two of you are alone. Don’t point out the conflict to others in gossip. Do it when the two of you are alone. Imagine if we all did this faithfully. What a difference this one thing would make in our relationships!

But of course, it won’t always work. The person who hurt us won’t always listen to us. That is true, unfortunately. If that happens, Jesus tells us: “If you are not listened to, take one or two other members of the church along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses.” Now there are times when a member of a community is so stubborn and unrepentant that the entire community needs to be involved. Jesus tells us that if the member refuses to listen to two or three, tell it to the whole church, and if the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such an individual be to you as a Gentile or tax collector.

When someone refuses to listen even to the church, let them be as a Gentile or tax collector. What does Jesus mean by that? They can’t be part of our church community as their membership would bring disunity. However, remember Jesus spent some of his time with Gentiles and tax collectors. Matthew, was a former tax collector. Does this mean that we should never give up on them? Even though they can’t be part of our church community, should we still care about them? It would certainly seem so.

Now all the tax collectors and sinners were coming near to listen to him and the Pharisees and the scribes were grumbling and saying, “This fellow welcomes sinners and eats with them.”

So, he told them this parable:

“There was a man who had two sons. The younger of them said to his father,’ Father, give me the share of the wealth that will belong to me.’ So, he divided his assets between them. A few days later the younger son gathered all he had and travelled to a distant region, and there he squandered his wealth in dissolute living. When he had spent everything, a severe famine took place throughout that region, and he began to be in need. So, he went and hired himself out to one of the citizens of that region, who sent him to his fields to feed the pigs. He would gladly have filled his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, and no one gave him anything. But when he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired hands have bread enough and to spare, but here I am dying of hunger! I will get up and go to my Father, and I will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you; I am no longer worthy to be called your son; treat me like one of your hired hands.’” So, he set off and went to his father. But while he was still far off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion; he ran and put his arms around him and kissed him. Then he said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you; I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ But the father said to his slaves, ‘Quickly, bring out a robe–the best one–and put it on him, put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. And get the fatted calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate, for this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found!’ And they began to celebrate.

Now his elder son was in the field, and as he came and approached the house, he heard music and dancing. He called one of the slaves and asked what was going on. He replied, ‘Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fatted calf because he has got him back safe and sound.’ Then he became angry and refused to go in. His father came out and began to plead with him. But he answered his father, ‘Listen! For all these years I have been working like a slave for you, and I have never disobeyed your command, yet you have never given me even a young goat so that I might celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours came back, who has devoured your assets with prostitutes, you killed the fatted calf for him!’ Then the father said to him, ‘Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. But we had to celebrate and rejoice, because this brother of yours was dead and has come to life; he was lost and has been found.’” [Luke 15:1-3, 11b-32 NRSVUE]

This parable is about relationships. It is clear that the father loved both of his sons. However, both sons had become estranged from their father in their own way. They had become disconnected and distant from the father and from each other.

Often in a story we import and assign motives to people’s actions that are not in the story. The common assumption is that the youngest son had disrespected his father and then ran off to squander away his inheritance on immoral living. But we actually do not know why the youngest son left. At the end of the parable the older son accused their brother of wasting his inheritance.

Young adults leave home for a variety of reasons. What if the younger son felt he had to leave. What if there was conflict in the family. We don’t know. It seems he had some sort of plan. We do know he left his home, and then because of a famine, he ended up returning. This points to another failure of community and relationships. No one helped him. No one cared for him. However, at some point he “came to his senses”.  And to survive he decided to return to his father. The father was overjoyed to see him. And so, he held a party, in his honour.

Now, the older brother assumed the worst about his younger brother. And he was mad at his father, who from his point of view had never appreciated him and his dutiful obedience. The father tried to make the older son feel better. And there the parable ends.

The two parables before this, the lost sheep and the lost coin are presented as parables of return and reconciliation. But sheep and coins are not human beings. This parable of the broken family points out how hard return and reconciliation can be. At the end of this parable, we want to know- what happened next?

This parable of the prodigal son was about a broken family that was now trying to put itself back together should resonate on many levels these days. Families and communities can suffer from damaged relationships and mistrust in so many ways. Life together as a family or community is very difficult. It takes continual effort, including repentance and forgiveness. The current issues facing our nation and in our families over differing values is deep and for some seems impossible to repair.

Jesus tells us what it means to be a disciple. It has to do with what we understand about God’s intentions and hope for this world and each one of us. Life in the kingdom of God is about relationships. The relationships between God and us, as individuals and as communities. Jesus comes to us with his ministry of reconciliation, restoration, and justice and the way of salvation. Jesus shows us how to live as disciples in this ministry of reconciliation, restoration, and justice. Are we willing to do the long, slow and often difficult work of reconciliation, restoration and justice in our lives and in our communities?

In closing

There is nothing more important to God than our relationship with Him and with one another. So let us tend to both of these relationships faithfully. To the glory of God. Amen.